GPS suggestions anyone?

I think my GPS is stuck on choosing the fastest allegorical routes. It’ll get me where I need to go, as long as the route it takes draws some kind of heart or unicorn shape before getting me there. So I’m on the hunt for a new GPS for the car. Here’s what I’m looking for if anyone has a suggestion…

  1. Must speak street names. I’m sick of hearing “turn right in 400 yards” . 
  2. The device must be aware that I will throw it in a pond or off a bridge if it screws up like its predecessor.

And in case you’re curious, allegorical maps do exist. The one below is actually not that wacky of one, but it was the best I could find in a hurry. The crazier ones bear no resemblance to actual geography . So France might border the US if it works best for the shape.

Allegorical Map


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